Tantra
Where are you when you're doing it?
Many people ask what does it mean to really be sexy? Is it about the shredded body, or the hot lingerie, or the amazing technique? Well what is technique? In today’s externally fixated world we often relate to sex from an external perspective. And that is clearly a limitation.
Couples often want more connection and a deeper level of intimacy.
Just how is that achieved? It is really quite simple. Let’s firstly focus on disconnection. This is extremely common during lovemaking. One lover is thinking about football while the other is thinking about shopping. Sexy right? Two people actually having sex are a million miles away. This is a clear recipe for unfulfilling sex. And yet for one lover to actually admit that there were thinking of something else (or even someone else) is rare and yet this happens all the time.
The greatest gift you can give to your partner is not multiple tantric orgasms (although they are pretty awesome) but is the gift of actually showing up during sex. A common misconception is that presence is only the gift of the masculine. Sure the feminine embodies the energetic connection through the power of shakti but both men and women need to ‘be there’ during sex. This consideration is obvious but with so much info now floating around in the conscious sex world, it is important to highlight one of the fundamental principles of Tantric sexuality. And significantly, if you are having sex and you are not present, then where are you?
What does it mean to be present?
The greatest gift of conscious sexuality is in the present moment.
When both partners are present during sex the connection intensifies and so does the sexual energy. This connection flows into all aspects of the erotic act and has far reaching consequences.
One of the biggest issues that we face is our expectation of sex. What will we experience during sex? This expectation is a mental projection of what sex ‘should’ be like and not what the experience is really like. This is one of the critical keys to a happy sex life and something that is continuously overlooked. Mentally constructed expectations are almost always unfulfilled and this leads to disappointment and frustration.
When the lovers are present the preconceived ideas about sex are eliminated and the couple is then truly free to experience the erotic act in a moment-to- moment state enjoying the pleasure and staying present to the lovemaking as it unfolds. This practice removes the mental imagery of how sex should be experienced, like in a movie, or our fantasies, which when played out in real life often lead to disappointment, precisely because they were a mental construct.
This one practice alone can radically transform your sex life.
It seems too simple to be true doesn’t it? Surely there must be some other secret tantric technique to produce full body orgasms. Well perhaps one of the secrets to create such states is exactly by remaining present. In the stillness of the now, listen to your body and enter deeper levels of pleasure that the body intuitively knows how to experience. Get out of your own way and allow the wisdom of your body to guide you rather than continually entertaining the limitations of the mind and avoiding the eternal now that offers us the ongoing potential for deeper connection and intimacy.
If you are lost in your mind during sex you are actually missing the experience for what it is.
By remaining present, you are open to enjoy the pleasure that your body has been created to enjoy. The human body is structured to experience pleasure. Sexual pleasure is not in the mind, it is in the body. By remaining present to the physical and energetic sensations of your body, you are inviting pleasure into the experience and are free to bask in this pleasure for what it is at a deeper level in each and every moment.
Believe it or not when you are making love with a conscious lover, they can feel your state of presence and know whether you are here and now or have checked out.
At a deeper level if you are not present, you have actually checked out of your life, numb and unavailable to experience the present moment and effectively half-conscious or partially asleep and continually wanting to experience something that you are not and in the process missing out on the very experience of life itself as you are trapped in your mind and therefore sabotaging your own sexual pleasure.